Photo: Nic McPhee
The way we respond to other people’s words and behavior can have a huge impact on the quality of our lives. As we go through the day there are moments, sometimes seemingly “small” moments, when conflict begins to arise. We can respond in two ways: in a way that restores connection and productively working together, or in a way that kick-starts a downward spiral of negative, sometimes quite damaging, interaction. Moments like this can ripple out for hours, days and even years. Yet, by using language and communication skills that change the chemistry and neural pathways of the brain, we learn how to return to a place of natural compassion and collaboration. I’d like to share a story – from someone who participated in a training of mine – that I think illustrates this point beautifully.
Sue was on a writing project with a colleague at work. She was offering edits to her colleague’s writing, but when he sent back his next revisions he had changed almost all her edits back to what he had originally written. After this happened a few times Sue began feeling irritated. On one of their calls she asked him why he was “disregarding” her editing suggestions. He responded by saying he thought she was being “controlling.”
Feeling the tension growing between them, Sue caught herself, and stopped perpetuating the spiral of disconnection and animosity. She remembered what she had been learning and practicing: a particular way of empathizing with another when there is conflict. Sue shifted her reactions. Instead of trying to show him how he was wrong, she tried listening, and repeating the heart of what she heard.
Sue colleague began telling her that he had been interpreting her edits as criticism of his writing. As she listened further, he talked about his deeper frustration and hurt about not receiving appreciation or recognition of his contributions to the organization. The tone of their conversation dramatically changed as Sue continued to listen and repeat what her co-worker said. Sue felt a softening and sense of connection between them. She then expressed sadness that he was experiencing this, and that her actions had contributed to this dynamic. She was also able to tell him her frustration about wanting her work to be valued, too, and to have collaboration and partnership. They ended the conversation by coming up with a new way of doing the writing project together that contributed to what they both wanted.
Sue used the communication skill of empathy and a language of human needs from an international body of work called Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Sue not only heard and verbalized her understanding of her colleague’s words, but she also focused on his “needs.” Needs, as defined in NVC, are universal qualities all humans share and want, and they connect us in oneness with all of life and to the flow of giving and receiving. In the scenario above, Sue’s colleague had a need for appreciation, recognition and contribution, and she expressed needs for her work to be valued and to collaborate in partnership. Focusing on the language of needs creates clarity and ease of self-connection and also connects us to one other in a way that leads to effective, collaborative action based in natural compassion. By shifting to this language and skills, Sue resolved a conflict that could have had a very negative impact on her work life. And the shift happened in just a moment!
By John Kinyon
NVC was developed over the past 40 years by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., the Center for Nonviolent Communication, and a world-wide community of trainers.
For more information about John Kinyon and mediating conflict with NVC see www.johnkinyon.com and www.nvcmediation.com
