Photo: Monica Arellano-Ongpin
My friend, I’ll call him Bill, recently asked for my thoughts on a work relationship between him and someone he supervises. “He [supervisee] has started overstepping his role in how he says things sometimes in department meetings. The problem is that we’ve become good friends but I’m also his boss, and I don’t know what to do about it.” As Bill and I talked further, the nature of his conflict became clear. He was struggling with how to express from his role – of greater responsibility and authority – while maintaining the quality of connection and collaboration with this person he was enjoying.
My short answer is, we don’t need to know what to say. We only need to know how to have the conversation. This applies even when there are differences in role, power, authority, etc., or there are seemingly unbridgeable gulfs in ideology, beliefs and value systems, or fixed ways of doing things. An alternative to knowing what to say or do is to know how to have the conversation, and utilizing the language, skills, and processes that help guide making moment-to-moment choices before, during and after the conversation.
The human mind, I believe, often wants the peace and security of knowing – as much as possible and ahead of time – what to do. My friend Bill could respond to his problem at work by asserting his power and asking/telling the supervisee to change his behavior, and then deal with any ruptures to the relationship. Another potential response is to talk with the supervisee about the situation as friends and equals and try to eschew the role differences. These responses come out of different beliefs and value systems around leadership and power; and there are, of course, many other possible responses, all having various degrees of merit, pros and cons. The problem is that these responses are limited by the past. They are thoughts and beliefs based on one’s past experiences and shaped by ideology and “worldview.”
Another way to approach a situation like Bill’s is to focus on the how, the process through which knowing what to say and do next can arise out of the present moment, independent (but also inclusive) of one’s worldview, value system and role. A key element to this process is the way that language focuses the attention of the speaker and listener. There is a language, a human language, that we naturally speak when we are connected. It is a language based in “needs” – what we all want to survive and thrive in this world:
sustenance, safety, trust, respect, authenticity, support. Needs connect us to ourselves, to one another, and to all of life.
From this perspective, all people – at every moment, in whatever they are saying and doing – are attempting to meet needs that all of us human beings share. If we are aware of the needs we are hoping to meet in any given moment, we suddenly have more power to meet them. I mean the kind of power that is different than having control over someone. It is the power of ease and effectiveness in meeting our needs.
Focusing on our needs and how to meet our needs may sound selfish and self-centered, but needs are as much about caring for others as they are about ourselves. We often derive great joy, perhaps the greatest joy, from contributing to others. This approach to language and communication comes out of an international body of work called Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
Returning to Bill’s situation, I recommend he prepare himself for a conversation by connecting to his needs. My understanding is that Bill’s needs are for contribution to the organization, respect for people’s roles and responsibilities, and also for connection, harmony, collaboration, and consideration. Bill could imagine the needs the supervisee is attempting to meet through his behavior – perhaps also to contribute as well as for respect and appreciation of his abilities. This exercise will likely cause Bill to feel more relaxed, centered and open; giving him new insight into the situation, and seeing new possibilities for taking action.
When actually talking with the supervisee, Bill could do his best to continue returning to presence and connection with his own needs during the conversation, and consciously choose in each moment to either express what’s important to him (i.e. from his needs) or focus on hearing the supervisee’s needs being expressed through what he is saying. As understanding and connection happens, Bill will see what ideas and possibilities emerge from the conversation. He will be able to decide what he wants to ask himself and/or the supervisee to do, based on what he predicts will best meet the needs he wants to meet.
After the conversation, he could think back over what he said and evaluate if his needs actually were met by what happened. He could mourn any unmet needs, appreciate needs met and learn how he would like to more effectively do things in the future. This then could lead into another “learning and growth spiral” of a preparation process, having the conversation, then a learning process afterwards.
By walking through Bill’s conflict, we see that there is a process and structure for having difficult conversations, no matter how challenged or confused we feel. This structure guides in-the-moment communication choices based on language, skills and processes for navigating conversations before, during and after. I have seen over and over again how this structure gives access to tremendous ease and effectiveness, and connection to a deeper wisdom and intelligence.
Living this process every day in my own life, creating connection out of conflict, and witnessing how this process impacts the lives of people I teach fills me with great hope for us on this planet.
By John Kinyon
NVC has been developed over the past 40 years by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., the Center for Nonviolent Communication, and a world-wide community of trainers.
For more information about John Kinyon and mediating conflict with NVC see www.johnkinyon.com and www.nvcmediation.com.
While I appreciate the intention behind this piece, I felt it could have benefitted from an economy of words & thought. It doesn’t say much or give much practical information on how to accomplish what the original inquirer requested.
Thank you so much for this piece. It came very timely for me, as I am struggling with a simmering conflict that’s been going on for 2 years. This post has helped me see it the issue from a fresh angle. While reading it, I felt I have been utterly selfish by focusing on my needs only, and not my counterparts.
We’d expressed frustrating to each other for not being able to truly communicate with each other. I now feel that I have found a major opening for reconciliation and growth. Thanks again!
Reading this article was a perfect reminder during a challenging time of what is important to me in living my daily life. Thank you John for reminding me of the power of being in connection to my needs and the needs of others – and in particular with difficult situations in relationship with others. While you speak with ease about how to have these conversations, I know how challenging it can be, and am reminded of the importance of commitment to a practice and ongoing learning.
I learn through repetition, so more examples of specific language that might be helpful in various circumstances would have been helpful. I believe it is important for me to own MY part in conversational difficulties. If there is a history of uneven or conflicted communication, I have contributed to that. So, being thoughtful before I engage in another attempt is a very helpful thing to do. And, also, being very aware of my body responses is also helpful. If I escalate in any way, then I need to understand the biochemical effect of that on the ability of my own neurotransmitters to maintain logic. The more escalated I become (even if the other person doesn’t know it), the more reduced that ability is. So, managing myself is critical. thank you for your universally important remarks.